A Quarter to Eight

7:45am is never a good time at our house. If we were crazy enough to televise our lives, my number one rule (I learned from Kate Gosslin that you can have rules.) would be that the cameras would have to be turned off from 7:45 to 8 0'clock in the morning.....every morning. This is the time of day that I am trying to get myself and three kids out of the house and into the car. I know, two simple steps......sounds so easy.

Today was especially bad and I will get back to it.....but generally, it is just a crazy time. This is what needs to happen during that time: last minute potty trips, jackets on, backpacks in car, lunches in car, kids in car, buckle up three year old, break up a few fights, unbuckle three year old to take off jacket, unlock four year old's seat belt, wait for 6 year old to run back in to go potty......I could go on.

A typical day in the Hall house starts at about 6am. Matt is usually up and getting ready for work by then and I try to get ready before all three kids join us in the bathroom at about 6:45. (From 6:45-7:45 things are relatively calm. We do all the normal stuff: breakfast, get dressed, wash faces, brush teeth, fix hair, make beds, etc.) It is not until 7:45 that everything begins to unravel.

Back to today: Today started at 3 o'clock in the morning. Emilie came into my room and said she was scared. I put her back to bed with a few comforting words. A minute later, I hear her crying. I go in to her room and turn on her lamp. Just as I get back into bed, she is crying again. I go back and am feeling quite annoyed when she tells me that she thinks she might throw up. After hanging out with her in the bathroom for a few minutes with no result, I put her in bed with me and tell Matt to go sleep in her bed. Just as I get set up with a large bowl and a box of baby wipes....the barf fest begins.....and continues every 30 minutes for the next four hours.

I slept in a little this morning and I was just getting out of bed as Luke and Zachary were waking up. This was not good.

Trying to get Luke and Zachary ready for school this morning was tough. I was tired and cranky and trying to comfort Emilie while simultaneously keeping the contents of her stomach contained.

I considered keeping Zachary and Luke home from school for a brief moment. I couldn't figure out how I was going to get everyone from the house to the car to school with my sanity in tact. But then I thought about poor Emilie being harassed all morning by her brothers and I figured it would be worth it to have a few hours without them. If only I could get them to where they needed to be.

7:45 rolls around and this is how it goes: I am helping Luke get dressed while reprimanding Zachary for his rude behavior towards his poor sick sister. I hear Emilie start crying from somewhere in the house. I know this means that she is about to throw up. I try to hurry Luke's legs into the appropriate openings in his pants and I'm yelling, "EMILIE, GO TO THE BATHROOM. THROW UP IN THE TOILET!" I see her run past me and pass the bathroom. Where the heck is she going? I run after her and see her heading towards her 'bowl' on the couch. She doesn't make it. Throw up on the carpet. "WHY DIDN'T YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM?" She wanted her 'bowl.' Wonderful.

As I begin to clean the carpet, I tell Emilie to go get in the shower and Zachary to start gathering supplies to make his lunch. This typically would be a day to buy hot lunch but since the menu said, 'Supervisor's Choice,' I understood why Zachary didn't want to chance it. I hear "Uh-oh!" And go into the kitchen to find the Strawberry Syrup spilled on the kitchen floor. A juice box was more of what I had in mind for lunch but since I had put Zachary in charge, Strawberry Milk was on the menu.

According to the clock, this is the point that we should all be heading to the car......except for there is throw up in the living room, syrup on the kitchen floor, lunch is not made and Emilie is in the shower.

I clean up the messes on the floors as quickly as I can, warm up the car, tell Zachary to get in, buckle Luke in and then go get Emilie. I wrap her dripping wet self up with my bathrobe and buckle her in the car. And we drive Zachary to school. He is 7 minutes late.

PFAPA

I took Zachary to the Doctor today. He goes to Valley Children's Hospital (Children's Hospital Central California) every 6 months for a check up because 2 years ago he was diagnosed with PFAPA Syndrome. I started noticing right after his 3rd birthday that he was getting a fever every month with no other symptoms (that I could tell) so I started keeping track of them and after a year and a half, he was officially diagnosed by his pediatrician. His pediatrician had only recently heard of this syndrome and referred us to a doctor who specializes in Immunology and Rheumatology.
Dr. Wright (http://www.childrenscentralcal.org/OurDoctors/Pages/dwright.aspx) is quite familiar with PFAPA and has five other patients with this syndrome.

Now that Zachary is in school and sports, I have had to try to explain this 'illness' more and more. I usually tell his teachers/coaches/school nurse that Zachary will seem very tired and complain of being cold. He will either have a fever or one will be coming on when these symptoms occur. His fevers occur about every 8-12 weeks and he is NOT contagious.

Before we found something to relieve his fever and the symptoms that accompany it, the fevers would last 3-5 days. Now that we give him a single dose of Prednisolone, the fever is gone within 2 hours.

Today I spent some time searching the Internet for a good description of PFAPA and the following is what I found:

Periodic fever, Aphthous-stomatitis, Pharyngitis, Adenitis (PFAPA) Syndrome

This syndrome includes recurrent episodes of fever with aphthous-stomatitis (mouth sores), pharyngitis (sore throat with redness and sometimes a throat that has a white covering – exudate - like that seen in a throat with streptococcal infection.

PFAPA affects children in early childhood, usually starting at age two to four years. Episodes usually decrease in frequency and resolve after the age of 10 years. This disease was recognized for the first time in 1987 and was called Marshall’s.

How common is it?
The frequency of PFAPA is not known, but the disease appears to be more common than generally appreciated.

What causes PFAPA?
The answer to this question is not yet known. No gene defect has yet to be found in PFAPA, although in some cases more than one family member has the disease. No infectious cause has been found in PFAPA, thus it is not a contagious disease. It is clear that the inflammatory process is activated during episodes but it is not clear why it is triggered.

What are the main symptoms?
The main symptoms are episodic fevers, accompanied by a sore throat, mouth ulcers, or enlarged cervical lymph nodes (glands in the neck, an important part of the immune system).

The episodes of fever start abruptly and last for three to seven days.

During episodes, the child looks very ill and complains about at least one of the three symptoms mentioned above.

The episodes of fever recur every few weeks and often families know the exact day when an attack will start. On the day the fever starts the child will feel a little ill before the attack and the family knows an attack is about to start.

Not all children have all symptoms, especially mouth sores. Some children have other symptoms like joint pain, abdominal pain, headache, vomiting or diarrhea.

How is PFAPA diagnosed?
There are no laboratory tests, or imaging procedures, specific for diagnosing PFAPA. The disease will be diagnosed based on the results of a physical examination and other symptoms. Inflammatory blood tests like the white blood cell count, erythrocyte sedimentation rate and the C-reactive protein are increased during attacks. Before the diagnosis is confirmed, it is important to exclude all other diseases that may present with similar symptoms (especially a streptococcal throat). The dramatic response to treatment (see below) also helps diagnose PFAPA.

How is PFAPA treated?
There is no specific treatment to cure PFAPA. The aim of treatment is to control symptoms during the episodes of fever, to shorten the duration of episodes, and in some children to prevent attacks from occurring.

In most children, the disease will resolve by itself without treatment, usually after the age of 10 years.

The fever does not usually respond well to Tylenol or nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs.

A single dose of steroids (usually prednisone), given when symptoms first appear, has been shown to shorten an episode and sometimes even end the episode. However, the interval between episodes may also be shortened with this treatment, and the next episode may occur earlier than expected.

In some patients using cimetidine (a medicine that is used to treat stomach ulcers) may prevents attacks from occurring. In patients with very frequent attacks, a tonsillectomy (removing the tonsils by surgery) may be considered.

What is the outcome and course of PFAPA?
The disease may last for several years. Over time, the intervals between the episodes will increase and usually after the age of 10 years resolve by itself. Children with PFAPA continue to grow and develop normally.

http://my.clevelandclinic.org/disorders/periodic_fever_syndrome/rheumatology_overview.aspx The Cleveland Clinic © 1995-2009. All Rights Reserved. 9500 Euclid Avenue, Cleveland, Ohio 44195 800.223.2273 TTY 216.444.0261

Fear

I never would have thought of myself as a fearful person. Well of course I am scared of normal things like heights, small spaces, the dark.... But I wouldn't say that I "live in fear." When I think of being fearful, the picture that comes to mind is someone who is shaky, nervous....you know - those people in horror movies.

This morning I attended Bible Study at church. We are studying the book of Esther. Beth Moore is the author of the study and every other week, we watch her teach us on dvd. I always look forward to these days. Today when she shared that the topic was "fear," I thought, "Well, I am just going to tune out a bit since this doesn't really relate to me." If you have ever seen Beth Moore teach, you will know that she is very animated and very intense.....which makes it almost impossible to tune her out.

She shared with us a struggle that God had helped her through over the last year and a half. She said that around the time of her birthday that year, she started to fear that her husband wouldn't find her attractive anymore. She began to fear that he would be attracted to someone else and even worse.....fall in love with that person. She shared with us how painful just thinking about this was and how God worked in her life to bring her through this. (Mind you, her husband gave her no indication that any of this would occur.....but nonetheless, Beth was paralyzed with fear.)

As she shared this story, I immediately recognized my own fear. I realized that I DO live in fear.....on a daily basis.

I am absolutely terrified that some harm will come to my children. Those words don't even come close to describing my feelings. I don't even want to write the words but I will: I live in fear every day that one (or more) of my children WILL DIE.

It is not that I think about this all day long but little thoughts pop into my head a lot!

For instance, I asked my kids to take a dish back to a neighbor who lives across the street. As I stood in the garage and watched the three of them hold hands and cross the street, I thought: What if a car comes speeding down the street and hits them and then THEY DIE?!

Last week I watched a tv show where a young boy died and I thought: What would I do if one of my children had a terminal illness and DIED?!

Often, I pray a quick prayer: God, protect my children. When I pray this, it is for no other reason than the fact that I am feeling afraid.

What would I do if harm did come to my children......if they got sick.....if they were in an accident.....if they died?
That's the point I would stop the thoughts. I would move on to something else. I would push down the fear.

Beth Moore really made me think about my biggest fear.....and how it was affecting me.....in my everyday life.
Here are some of her points that really stuck with me:
*The most frequent command in the Bible: "Do not be afraid....Fear not."
*Nobody is born brave but we can become courageous.
*I am my biggest obstacle.
*God has no intention of leaving me this way.
*Conditional faith: "God is good if He does what I say."
*It's tough being a woman in the tight fist of fear.
*We will not know abundant life if we live in this fear.

Instead of cutting the thoughts off as they enter my head, Beth encouraged me to imagine the worst case scenario:
What if my children died?

I would be beyond sad....full of pain and sorrow. I would scream and cry and feel like the hurt would never stop. I would feel lost and lonely and weak. I would get in bed and want to stay there. I would cry out to God. I would search His Word for comfort. I would recognize that God knows my pain....has experienced it. I would remember that God is faithful and good and loving. And then I would get up. Because my God will take care of me.

I don't mean to make this sound simple. It is so not simple. But with the courage of God's presence, I will choose to be brave.

I will choose faith over fear.

I will choose to live.


to be continued......

excerpts from: Esther: It's Tough Being a Woman by Beth Moore

For Jill

It has been a long time since I have cried for someone else.....well, until yesterday.

I can remember crying for Zachary when he was a day old and the nurses came into our room every few hours to jab his foot with a needle to draw blood. (The worst part being that they would warm his foot first with a heating pad and then WHAM!) I remember crying for my Granny when the love of her life - my Papa - died. I remember crying on each anniversary of September 11 for all the loved ones left behind.

I cry for myself plenty but how often do I really cry and pray and hurt for someone else?

I reconnected with a friend through Facebook about a year ago. We met on a mission trip when I was 17 years old. We spent the summer in Israel helping with projects at a school there. When we found each other on Facebook, I noticed that her kids were similar ages to mine. As most of you reading this know: when you find a mom whose kids are the sames ages as your own - there is a connection.

So, even though I have not seen my friend in 15 years, I do feel a connection. The summer that we spent together was life-changing for me. And she was a part of it. That, combined with our parallel lives, keeps us connected.

She is in a terrible amount of physical pain. You can read her story at http://www.jillrees.blogspot.com/ . I won't go into detail but because of her pain and weakness she has not been able to be the wife and mommy that she very much wants to. She had brain surgery a few months ago. The doctors thought this would fix the problem. It didn't. She had another surgery last week. It didn't work. The doctors don't know what to do any more. All she can do is lay flat on her back.....in pain. And watch other people take care of her children.

I just ache for her. For a while, I have been avoiding reading her husband's updates on her health. As if not knowing makes it less real. Yesterday, I let myself really FEEL for her. And it brought me to a place I have not been to in a long time. I cried out to God and begged for her healing. I just plain cried. The tears just kept coming.

In the last year, two women (friends of friends) who were my age, who had kids - babies, toddlers and preschoolers - like me - have died. I just cannot even comprehend this. Their kids will now grow up without their mamas. And now my friend is in a place that only God can get her out of.

I know that God is sovereign. I know that He has a reason and purpose for everything. I will never know the mind of God. I will never understand why bad things happen to good people. But I will trust in what I do know.

I know that God is good and loving and all-knowing and that nothing happens without Him allowing it. I know that God knows pain. I know that the troubles that we experience in THIS world do not even compare to the sweet glory that He is preparing for us in Heaven.

I love how The Message paraphrases Matthew 15:

"After Jesus returned, he walked along Lake Galilee and then climbed a mountain and took his place, ready to receive visitors. They came, tons of them, bringing along the paraplegic, the blind, the maimed, the mute - all sorts of people in need - and more or less threw them down at Jesus' feet to see what he would do with them. He healed them. When the people saw the mutes speaking, the blind looking around, they were astonished and let everyone know that God was blazingly alive among them."

I love that! I am so thankful that I serve a God who is still "blazingly alive!" I know that my God heals.

It hurts when we let ourselves really care for other people. To feel another persons pain is painful. But I know that this is what God wants me to do. It is His command.

Jesus said, "Love others as well as you love yourself." (The Message Matthew 22:39)

As I cried for my friend yesterday, I was "loving her as well as I love myself." To look outside myself is something I need to do much more often. A tiny part of me was changed yesterday.

Tips for surviving (and thriving!) in the baby/toddler phase

Here is a great practical and inspirational post that I came across today.

Click on the link below and ENJOY!

Conversion Diary: Tips for surviving (and thriving!) in the baby/toddler phase - The diary of a former atheist

The Things I Can Accomplish (when someone else cleans my house)

Because someone else cleaned my house one day last week.....I was able to clean out our "Coat Closet."

In the winter there really are coats that hang on the right side of the closet. In the spring and summer, the coats get moved to their respective homes (ie. Emilie's coat lives in Emilie's closet). In the cold and rainy months (when we are reaching for coats, sweatshirts and umbrellas repeatedly) it seems silly to continually put them away in four different bedrooms.

Anyway, this is one of two closets in our home that is not in a bedroom. The other closet is called the "Linen Closet." But it actually stores our toiletries, first aid, medicine, and cleaning supplies....as well as our linens. These two closets must store everything that does not belong (or will not fit) in a bedroom closet. Stuff is constantly getting shoved in them.....especially when people are coming over! So, I try to clean them out a few times a year.

The picture above is what our "Coat Closet" looks like after I have taken an hour to organize it. It should probably be called the "Game Closet" or the "Gift Wrap Supply Closet" or the "Kids' Stuff That Makes a Big Mess Closet."

But I digress.

I have been wanting to clean out this closet for at least 6 months. I never wanted to begin that project when there were other more pressing things to do. By "more pressing," I mean the things that can be seen when I open my front door. There is always the kitchen to clean or the living room to tidy up.

But when someone else cleans your house, number one: you are not too tired to take on a project and number two: your entire house is clean all at once so you are able to focus on a potentially messy and time consuming project.

This closet may not look like much to you but for the last two days (whenever I need a pick-me-up), I open the door and peek inside.

It is something that I have cleaned and organized that will stay that way for at least a few weeks....unlike every other area in my house.

I wish I had taken a "Before" picture so you could see the difference but I did not think of that until I sat down to write this post.

Oh! A little bonus to cleaning out this closet is that I found my son's 200 page Kindergarten Homework Book that is due on Monday. It had been missing for a week. He would have been devestated to miss out on the "prize" for completing his book.

He has two days to complete 40 pages.....oops, maybe I should have avoided that closet for another few weeks. I have a feeling it is going to be a loooong weekend!

Shhhh.....

Shhhh....
Isn't that what you think of when you go to the library? Apparently someone forgot to tell my children.

I thought that I would be a nice mommy and take my children to the library yesterday. Now I remember why we have not been there since last September.....what an absolute nightmare!
So, we had the "talk" in the car on the way to the library:
"We have to be quiet in the library. You can look at books, you can pick some books to check out, you can sit at a table with your books but you CANNOT yell, scream, run, hit, or throw books on the floor."

Well, it seems that my children got the speech all backwards. Everything I said that was a "can't" or a "don't" they thought was a "can" and a "do."

As we entered the Children's Room at the library, we were met by a large dog. Yes, you got that right, a dog! Well, he was on a leash that a nice elderly lady was holding. Two out of my three children are terrified of dogs. As the lady was explaining to us, "This doggie is very nice. She is a therapy dog," I had my 4 year old daughter climbing up my leg and my 2 year old backing into me screaming, "EWWWWW, EWWWWW doggie." And I DO mean SCREAMING! I don't really know why he was saying, "Ewww," as opposed to just crying but he was.....and he was LOUD.....and it was embarrassing.

If only I had known that this was only the beginning. We should have gracefully (yeah right) made our exit right then.

Luke's eyes lit up when he saw the book shelves. Actually, it was not the books that excited him; it was the aisles between the book shelves. Those wide open spaces just looked perfect for running.

Zachary was off to look for a book on reptiles.

Emilie asked me to ask the librarian to help her find a book on princesses. As the librarian tried to help us (to no avail), Luke decided to run around and knock books onto the ground. I was trying not to be rude to the librarian but I kept trying to get away so that I could catch Luke but she just kept talking and talking about how she "just could not believe that there was not one book about a princess in the library." Yeah, yeah we gotta go!

I hear another librarian say sweetly, "There is no running in the library." As Luke goes streaking by. I really wanted to defend myself and say, "You know what? I already told him that and I would really like to spank him because he disobeyed but I am afraid that you will call the police. And that is why I am talking in my fake nice voice to my child and glaring at him....it is so that he and I can go home together where I can discipline in private."

Then Emilie says that she has to go to the bathroom so I grab Luke and take him with us and tell Zachary that he can look at his books.

As Emilie is going potty, I give Luke a lecture. "Luke, you need to stay next to mommy. You cannot run around. You cannot pull books off of the shelves. STAY RIGHT NEXT TO ME!"
He sweetly says, "Ok mommy, I stay next to you."

As I turn around to help Emilie, he grabs the handle on the bathroom door and starts yelling VERY LOUDLY and jiggling it around. He must have unlocked it because a lady pulled the door open and was ready to save this child in distress. She was surprised to find me standing there with my two children. She apologized for walking in but I am sure she was thinking, "That lady needs to control that kid!"

When I left Zachary, he had found 2 books about snakes so I told the kids that it was time to go look for a book for mommy. Emilie had about 8 books so we had about all we could carry. (A good mommy would have brought her "Library Bag." Whatever.) Zachary declares that he is "done" with his books and now wants to put them back and pick out some others. Through clenched teeth, I help him pick out 2 books about Sharks. Let's go!

As we walk out of the Children's Room and enter the main library, Zachary decides to become a spy. He weaves through the book shelves and jumps from one aisle to the next, always keeping an eye on me but I could not see him. So I am hissing, "Zachary, come here. I want you to be right next to me." He would jump out for a moment just so I could see where he was but then he was off again. Ok people, this is my (almost) six year old! I could not believe how horribly he was behaving.

Well, Luke thought this was awesome. He decided to run after Zachary and try to find him. When I caught up to him, I grabbed his hand and said, "Luke, you need to hold mommy's hand." He said, "Noooooo." And tried to wriggle away from me. So I had to use the "death grip" and try to hold his hand without crushing it. That was when he began to sob.

Ok, forget mommy's book. Let's find Zachary and get out of here. We go to the self check-out. I scan my library card. WHAT?! I owe $21.75 in late fees! Aughrrr!

So we have to go to the Accounts Counter to pay our bill before we check out. Luke decides to crawl around on the floor and yell, "wah, wah," pretending that he is a baby. I tell him to get up and stand next to me and he does NOT so I quietly "discipline" him. He yells, "Owww, don't pinch me, mommy." And starts to cry.

The man who is taking my check says, "You've got your hands full." Oh, how I just love it when people say that. REALLY? YOU THINK SO???

I was trying to think of an appropriate punishment for Zachary's bad behavior. I considered not letting him check out his two books. But then I felt guilty because I knew that we would not be coming back to the library for a VERY LONG TIME.....like, years. So, I settled on letting him check the books out but he was not allowed to have them until tomorrow. Yeah, I know.....I am a weanie.

I do have to say that Emilie was very well behaved. That girl does have her moments but thankfully, she made some good choices while we were at the library. If she had joined her brothers on their "Team Obnoxious," I probably would have had to call CPS on myself.

So, we finally made it to the car where I told Zachary how disappointed I was in his behavior (all the while, Emilie chiming in "Mommy, I was good, wasn't I? I stayed right with you, didn't I? I listened to you, right mommy?"). Next, I gave Luke a 2 year old version of the same speech.

Going to the library is a bit like childbirth for me. It is excruciatingly painful at the time but then as time passes, I forget the pain and do it all over again. I vow to remember. No thank you on both accounts: library visits and childbirth.